To step forward, sometimes you have to step back
If you are setting goals this year and want to be successful, be prepared for some self sabotage.
I used to think that someday this wouldn’t be an issue for me. I would have healed and done my work, and I would be so focused and in control of my mindset that something like self-sabotage just wouldn’t come up anymore. And it’s a nice dream, but that’s just not how we work.
To understand why that’s the case, you have to first understand what self-sabotage really is. Self-sabotage can feel like self hatred. You feel like a part of you is trying to ruin your life and prevent you from being happy. That’s understandable because that’s often the result.
But most often, the true reason why we sabotage is actually because we’re trying to protect ourselves.
Deep in our subconscious, our base programming is to be safe. Safety is the number one thing we need to survive. And we feel the most safe when we understand our circumstances, when we stay in our bubble, when we stick to what we know, even if what we know is detrimental to us in the long run.
And what are we doing when we set goals? We’re stepping outside of our bubble. We’re getting uncomfortable. We’re stepping into the unknown. And that will immediately trigger a warning alarm to go off in your subconscious.
By why is change so bad? Why would bettering yourself cause you to self-sabotage??
It comes down to comfort. So many of us have tied our survival to being comfortable. And we’re the most comfortable doing what we’ve always done. Plus, so often the changes we want to make are often tied to letting go of things we’re using to cope: our diet and habits are so often tied to how we self soothe. We have a bad night so we “need” to eat cookies or drink wine, or shut off and just stare at our phones for hours.
Even if we logically know these habits don’t help us and actually make us feel worse overall, in that moment you get that hit of dopamine and it ends up being a solution for that moment. Your subconscious is just looking for the easiest solution and quickest path to a feel of safety.
You have to remember that your subconscious does not reason. It doesn’t make decisions based on deep thought and reflection. It acts on impulse, it acts based on the path of least resistance which is generally the path most traveled.
So the first step to successfully sticking to your goals is to understand that your subconscious does not like getting uncomfortable. But it’s not because you’re self destructing, it’s because you’re desperate for safety. Acknowledging that fact with some compassion and understanding is the first step.
The second step, is understanding the ways you might end up sabotaging. Understanding what’s happening when it’s happening helps you to move past it. Let’s look at some ways we tend to sabotage:
Negative Thoughts
This just came up for me this week. I set some pretty big goals for the first part of this year, and immediately afterward I was flooded with all sorts of intrusive thoughts:
“You don’t know enough for that yet”
“You can’t finish that in time”
“You’re not going to stick to your schedule”
“Other people do this so much better than you could”
“Who do you think you are?”
Imposter Syndrome is a very real thing. And guess what? We ALL have it. Talk to any person who you think of as an expert in their field; I can almost guarantee that they still struggle with these kinds of thoughts.
Because, remember, it’s your subconscious’ way of keeping you from doing that big scary thing. Because what if you fail? You’d be humiliated, you might damage your reputation, or be full of so much shame that it would put you in a downward spiral. The safer thing to do is to stop you now before that ever becomes a possibility.
Procrastination/Avoidance:
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t struggle with this. And while it can be connected to things like ADHD and Executive Dysfunction, it can also be a way for you to prevent yourself from moving forward.
“I know I should make that appointment or ask for a raise or start that detox or try that workout, but maybe I’ll start next week.”
This can also come up with perfectionist thinking. “I don’t have time to clean the whole house deeply, so there’s no point in starting anything.” We want the perfect circumstances before we can get started. But the perfect circumstances never come, which means, we get to stay safely where we are.
We can also do this with how we prioritize. We set aside a day to get something specific done, like finish our taxes. But instead we suddenly really need to organize our linen closet. We’re still busy, but we do the less important tasks to avoid the tasks that make us uncomfortable.
Over planning
Also very guilty of this one. This is where we essentially plan to fail. We decide that overnight we’re going to suddenly be a different person. All of the habits that I don’t like I’m going to just stop, and starting tomorrow I’m going to do all the good habits that I’ve always wanted.
Or maybe it’s that you say yes to everything that comes your way. You “know” you don’t have time for something but you commit to everything you’re asked to do until you either start dropping things or burnout.
This can also look like spending so much time researching what you want to do that you never actually start.
Physical Symptoms
This is one that a lot of people are unaware of, but it’s one I’ve dealt with many times before. You decide to start a new workout plan. You are going to get in shape this time. And the second week in, you get sick. Now sometimes this is due to overworking your body and so your immune system is more susceptible to viruses, but I’ve seen this happen so many times before I’ve decided to do something scary, it’s just too much of a coincidence.
Getting sick or injured can sometimes happen because it prevents you from doing something scary, something that makes you uncomfortable. It’s not always the reason, but it’s something to be aware of if it becomes a pattern.
So now that we have some things to be on the lookout for, what is the next step?
First, acknowledge that these things won’t just go away. Stuffing them down or distracting yourself from them doesn’t work. The key is acknowledgement.
It took me a few hours, but once I realized that all of those negative thoughts I was having after setting some big goals were just my subconscious trying to keep me safe, I stopped giving them any credence. My thoughts are not me, I don’t have to hold onto them if I don’t want to. So when one of those thoughts comes up, I see it, I acknowledge it, and then I let it float past. Just doing that made a massive difference!
It’s hard to do at first, but the more you practice that, the easier it gets.
What about with everything else? Be patient. Aim to improve slowly over time. Pick one way that you know you self sabotage and make a clear plan of how you will address it.
For instance: You know you over plan, so before you say yes to something, your new immediate response is, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you to see if I have time.” Then actually check your schedule and be reasonable. Write down all your commitments and prioritize them before you add anything else. Give yourself permission to say no.
For me, just acknowledging what is happening and why is so incredibly powerful. And knowing that it’s not because I hate myself, but because I’m trying to stay safe, allows for more love and compassion.
