The Power of Selflessness: Finding Peace Through Helping Others
I’ve talked to so many people who are dealing with major life challenges right now. Marriage problems, health problems, financial struggles, or just feeling overall hopeless with the state of their life or the state of the world.
It doesn’t help that it’s winter in the northern hemisphere and it’s just easy to be a little more down than usual.
When life starts feeling heavy, or when it feels like you’re overwhelmed with all of the things going wrong, there is an incredibly effective practice that can completely shift your mindset and focus, and help you to feel at peace again.
But it’s also one of the last things you’re going to want to do.
And that’s focus on other people instead.
And before you think, “But all I do is focus on others!”, it’s important that we differentiate between doing for the sake of doing, versus doing for the joy of it.
If you’re a (recovering) people pleaser like me, then doing for others can feel like you’re adding to your list. It’s a weight and a pressure, it definitely doesn’t make you feel better.
The reason it feels that way is because a boundary is being crossed whether you’re aware of it or not.
You’ve said yes when you wanted to say no. You felt obligated to help in some way, but you were stretching past what you actually had to give.
It’s not so much about the doing. It’s the reason for the doing.
You could spend all day doing good deeds for others but still be miserable because you’re not taking care of your own needs as well. You’re neglecting your sleep, nourishment, and your family; doing for others doesn’t erase your own basic human needs.
When we put others first at our own expense, it does more damage than good. We must put on our own oxygen mask on first.
So when I say to focus on others, I don’t mean to focus on their needs over yours. Be very aware of what you have to give and what you don’t going into this. That being said, sometimes it’s the tiniest of shifts that are actually the most impactful.
When we’re in the midst of challenge, it’s often all we can think about. Stub your toe and then try to think about what you’re doing next week. It feels impossible to think at all while your toe is screaming at you! But in life, focusing on your pain can keep you in a really dark place.
We only have so much control over most of the challenges we face. We can’t control the economy, we can’t control other people, we can’t always control our environment. But we CAN control what we focus on.
Try this activity: stretch both of your arms out in front of you and make a fist with your hands. Keep your hands about a foot away from each other, then try and focus your vision on both hands.
You can’t. You can only focus your eyes on one hand at a time. As soon as you look at one, the other goes out of focus. It’s still there in your periphery, but it’s blurry and harder to see.
This is what happens when we focus on others. Our problems don’t go away, but they shift to the periphery. They’re suddenly not so loud and taking up all of our attention.
So what are some small ways we can do this that doesn’t feel overwhelming?
Make it goal to make at least one person smile every day.
This can be tiny. The next time you have to go to the store, go in with the intention of making at least one person smile. Maybe it’s only because you smile at them, maybe it’s because you hand them something they’re trying to reach, maybe you hold the door open for them, or offer to take their cart back for them, or maybe you compliment them on their coat or their shoes. The smallest gesture of kindness can usually prompt a smile from most people.
When we’re focused on others in this small way as we’re interacting, we stop thinking about ourselves. And smiling is contagious. When you smile, even if you don’t feel it, it can completely change your brain patterns!
After you get one person to smile, maybe try and see how many more people you can get to smile! When you walk around the world with that intention, it changes the way you show up, it changes the way people interact with you, and it changes your outcomes.
Find someone to encourage
I had the most beautiful example of this growing up. My stepdad got up early every morning and part of his routine was to walk outside in the garden and pray. During that time he’d try to think about anyone he knew who was struggling. He’d then go into his office and would write down as many names as he could think of. And then, this is the amazing part, he’d either call or stop by to encourage as many people who were on that list as he had time for. It was often 10-20 people every single day!
If you knew my stepdad, he had an extremely unique sense of humor. He looked like a viking or like one of those guys who’d be in a strong man competition. He seemed very stern and scary on the outside and he loved to milk that impression, but on the inside he was the biggest teddy bear.
The reason he had time to check in on so many people was because the phone calls he made usually only lasted 30 seconds. One of his favorite topics of conversation was poop because it made people laugh, so a lot of the time he’d call someone on his list and say “I just wanted to check and make sure that you’ve pooped today.” The person would inevitably laugh, and sometimes he’d just hang up. His purpose was just to put a smile on their face.
When he passed away, I was overwhelmed and amazed at the amount of people he kept in touch with. I made all of the phone calls to let friends and family know because it was a sudden death, and every single person I called told me that he had just called them the week before.
Obviously, he was able to keep track of so many people because of his own unique character. As much as I genuinely care that all of my friends are pooping every day (seriously, you should be pooping every day), I’m not going to start texting them that.
But I think we can all learn from that spirit.
Do you know anyone who’s struggling right now? Could you send them a text and say, “I was just thinking about you today and wanted you to know.”
Maybe texting isn’t your style or the idea of a conversation feels like too much, could you send them a card instead? The simple act of acknowledging another person and essentially saying, “I see you”, can be incredibly impactful.
Again, it takes the focus off of us. It reminds us that we’re not alone in our struggles, and it fills us with a sense of joy because we know we’re helping another person get through another day.
Doing what we can for others in a practical way
We might not always have the bandwidth for this and that’s okay, but when it is possible, could we go out of our way for someone else? If we know that someone is struggling and needs practical help, could we be the one that offers it?
Maybe it’s making a dinner for them and dropping it off. Maybe it’s meeting them for coffee to encourage them. Maybe it’s having them over to our home to visit and play games. Maybe we’re aware of a specific need like house work or groceries or certain errands, could we offer to assist?
This should come out of our own desires to help someone who needs it if we are able to give it. People pleasers beware: do not do this if it only exhausts you. Pay attention to the reason why you’re doing this and be realistic and modest with your own limitations.
Sending someone a gift card might be all you have in you and that’s okay! Figure out your limits and then decide on what you are able to do.
This is maybe something you only do once a week or even once a month. But when we can give in practical ways to people who are in genuine need, it fills you with so much job and satisfaction.
You’ve likely heard the saying, “There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.” This scripture has actually been proven true by science! In a 2017 study https://www.nature.com/articles/ncomms15964 participants were broken up into two groups: Group One was given money each day to spend on themselves, and Group Two was given money to spend each day on others. Guess which group showed more neural activity in the part of the brain relating to happiness? The giving group.
When we focus on others it increases our happiness. So when we’re struggling to find happiness in our life, this is how we create it.
How could you positively impact someone today? If you make that your goal every day, even in the smallest way, it can completely change how you view your life.
