Regulate your nervous system by setting boundaries
Learning how to set boundaries has been one of the hardest things for me to do in the work of healing my nervous system. Honestly, it’s still one of the hardest things for me.
But it’s a crucial step if you want to learn how to regulate your nervous system. Because it’s our boundaries that allow us to feel safe. And without boundaries, we cannot feel safe, and safety is at the core of regulation.
So why are boundaries so tough? Unless you were raised in an environment where boundaries were taught and honored, then they can feel wrong and uncomfortable.
Here's what growing up in a boundary-less environment might look like:
Being made to feel like the needs of family members superseded your needs.
Being made to hug or be physically close to family or friends that you were uncomfortable with (hugging Uncle Jim even though you felt uncomfortable and didn’t want to.)
Having parents who depended on you for their emotional needs.
Only getting approval when you ignored your own needs/boundaries.
Feeling like you weren’t allowed to say no when you felt uncomfortable.
Feeling like you weren’t allowed to ask for your needs to be met.
Feeling shamed when you expressed your needs/likes/dislikes.
Having parents who didn’t have boundaries and learning their patterns.
There can be a lot of circumstances which lead to struggling with boundaries: Co-dependency, parents with addictions, enmeshment, abandonment, emotional neglect, abuse.
The good news is that it’s never too late to start setting those boundaries for ourselves. Just be patient with yourself because it will be uncomfortable at first.
But before we dig into how to set boundaries, we first need to understand what a boundary is.
So what exactly is a boundary? First, it’s important to know what it’s not.
It’s not putting up walls to protect yourself.
It’s not having the right to say whatever you want or think in any situation.
It’s not controlling the behavior of others.
Boundaries are very individual, you cannot determine for another person what their boundaries should or shouldn’t be.
I cringe to think how I’ve unknowingly stepped on other people’s boundaries in years past.
For instance, I had a friend who was known for not liking hugs. She wasn’t adamant about it, but most people knew that about her.
But I love giving hugs. And in my mind, hugs are therapeutic. They’re so beneficial! It’s one of the ways I feel loved. It wasn’t completely conscious, but I kind of viewed her “issue” with hugs as an indication that she needed more of them. In my mind she must secretly want them! She didn’t get upset or angry if you hugged her, at least not noticeably. But the fact that I would still occasionally hug her when I deemed it was appropriate (deciding for her how she should feel), is so appalling to me now!
Which just goes to show that someone can be well intentioned and still step all over your boundaries. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re trying to hurt you. More on that in a bit.
Boundaries will look different for each of us based on culture, how we were raised, as well as life experiences.
Growing up in a Colombian household, it was very normal to kiss your family on the cheek for a greeting. The way I said hello to all my aunts and uncles was a kiss on the cheek. But it’s also how you greeted family friends and even people I didn’t know. It was viewed the same as shaking their hand.
But for people who were not raised in that culture, meeting someone new and them kissing you on the cheek might be unnerving. It might step on a physical boundary and make you feel like they were invading your space.
Neither one of those reactions is “right”. It just shows that boundaries are very individual.
In the New York Times Bestseller, “Set Boundaries, Find Peace”, boundaries are defined this way:
They are a safeguard to overextending yourself.
They are a self-care practice.
They define roles in relationships.
They are a way to create clarity.
They are a way to feel safe.
They are a way to create healthy relationships.
They communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in relationships.
They are parameters for knowing what to expect in relationships.
They are a way that you ask people to show up by upholding your needs.
A boundary is a limit or edge that enables you to be your own individual with your own individual needs and desires.
Think of it like driving down the freeway. You feel a measure of safety because everyone on the road knows the rules. They stay in their lane and you stay in yours.
But what happens when someone starts swerving into your lane. That’s not okay! It’s incredibly dangerous. And in this circumstance you have two options:
One, You can try and make that person pay better attention by either honking your horn or getting in front of them and intentionally slowing down. Or two, you can speed up or slow down or change lanes so that you’re farther away from that person.
But now imagine you’re driving down a 4 lane freeway and suddenly all the lanes disappear. You do your best to stay away from other cars but it’s really easy to move into their space even though you’re trying hard not to.
That is closer to how we all exist today.
So few of us had training on how to set proper boundaries. No lines have been painted for us, so we’re just doing our best to stay out of people’s way and stay in our own lane. But it ends up being really easy to have our space invaded or for us to invade the space of others.
This is why those lines are necessary. It’s not about control. It’s about being clear on what you’re comfortable with or not.
And just like in life, in this scenario, you cannot control the behavior of others. If they aren’t respecting your boundaries, then you have the choice to confront them on it and/or make some space so they can’t do it again.
Either way, it’s about holding to your boundaries. The only thing you are in control of is your reaction, not theirs.
And this is where it’s important to give yourself some compassion and love and understanding. Maybe you’ve never spoken up for yourself before. Maybe it feels wrong to do so. Recognize that you can’t learn something you were never taught. Struggling with boundaries is like learning any skill, don’t feel bad for not knowing, it just means you haven’t learned it yet.
So where to start?
I have a post that’s been shared almost 3,000 times about the importance of starting with the boundaries you have with yourself. Yes, you have boundaries with yourself too.
The way you know you need to take care of yourself is a boundary. Maybe you have boundaries with certain behaviors as well. Personally I have a boundary around flirting with men that are not my husband. That’s a big no for me. That is unacceptable behavior.
But then there’s lesser ones that maybe only matter to me. Making my bed every day is one. I know that my entire day is better if I just take the time to straighten my space first thing.
But I also have boundaries that I often don’t listen to. How much sleep I know I need. The foods that I know I should avoid but are so delicious and I struggle to say no to. Only responding to messages during set business hours.
Boundaries are tough! But it’s hard to ask others to stay in their own lane when you can’t seem to stay in yours. So you want to start with yourself.
How are you viewing taking care of yourself? How are you viewing meeting your own needs? You first need to feel safe with yourself before you can feel safe with others. And if you can do that work, it makes dealing with others so much easier.
But what if you’ve done that internal work and you’re ready to start sticking to your boundaries with others. It’s important to understand the types of boundaries you want to set.
This graph shows 7 different ways that we can set boundaries. Where do you see the need for stronger boundaries? Where do you feel like you need to speak up more?
Often the reason why boundaries feel so hard is that you’re not used to speaking up until you’re at the point where you explode. You’re so full of resentment from your boundaries being ignored that you either completely shut that person out of your life or erupt with emotion.
It’s not the responsibility of others to know what your boundaries are, its up to you to make that clear. Which feels very unfair! Because to us it feels so obvious. But that’s where we get ourselves into trouble and full of resentment.
We want other people to know what our boundaries are without us having to tell them. That’s very normal, but it’s also very unfair. Because we’re all so different.
But often we react as if the person knew exactly what they were doing. When the reality is that most often they had no idea. That doesn’t make the behavior okay, but it should inform our reaction to it.
This is where love and patience come in. Not only with ourselves but with other people.
Love does not mean that we condone unhealthy behavior. But it might mean that we show grace and patience when they’re hearing something new from us that they’ve never heard before.
Understand that it’s going to feel uncomfortable, both for you and for the other person. But setting those boundaries will be the key in allowing your nervous system to finally feel safe.
THIS BLOG POST has some fantastic practical tips as well as some free PDF’s to start setting boundaries. Take the time to look through and watch the videos. See where you need to set clearer boundaries and start with the area that feels the least scary.
It’s like working out for the first time when you’ve been sedentary. That muscle soreness afterward is a great indication that you’re doing your work. View feeling uncomfortable as a great sign that you’re doing it right.
I also highly recommend the book I mentioned earlier, “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.” There are hundreds of real-life examples of how to set boundaries and what it looks like. Order your copy HERE.
Start with yourself. Then move on to the people in your life you’re not as close to. Your boss, your neighbor. Work your way up to family and closest friends. You’ll get there. Just remember that you are not wrong for asking for your needs to be met. You deserve to feel safe in your own skin.
