Quit sabotaging yourself to accomplish your goals.
The last couple of weeks have challenged me more than anything has in a really long time. It’s resurfaced old thinking patterns and habits that I thought I had moved past years ago.
All because I’ve been pursuing something in my business that is way outside of my comfort zone.
But this isn’t just a me experience. This is exactly what happens to most people when they pursue a course that is challenging and feels uncomfortable. And this experience is exactly why most people give up on their goals.
Have you ever set a stretch goal for yourself but then found yourself self-sabotaging by prioritizing other things or you’re suddenly filled with anxiety and thoughts that you can’t seem to move past?
Let’s get into why that happens and what you can do about it.
First to understand why this happens, it’s important to understand our survival instincts.
Our subconscious motivations are centered around our survival. We are constantly searching for safety whether we’re aware of it or not.
When you walk up to an edge of a high cliff, we feel a sense of fear because our system recognizes danger. That fear protects us and prevents us from getting close to that edge where there’s a higher chance of harm.
But that same fear can be triggered when we’re asking for a raise, or reaching out to a new friend, or starting a new routine, or signing up to run a 5K.
If our goal has the potential for failure, then our safety is threatened. Failure makes us feel bad. Failure could mean losing our job, which threatens our resources. Failure could mean affecting our reputation which threatens our resources.
Anything that challenges our sense of safety will set off alarms both physically and mentally.
What do these alarms look like?
It might be an increase in overall anxiety. It might be seeking out maladaptive coping mechanisms like overeating, over drinking, numbing with screens, or some other habit that makes us feel worse.
Or it might be intrusive thoughts that are meant to turn us around and stop what we’re doing. Thoughts like, “You’re going to fail.” “Who do you think you are?” “They don’t really like you, they’re just being nice.” “Everyone thinks you’re annoying.” “You’re just going to hurt yourself.” “You’re broken and can’t change.” “You’ll never be good at that, you should just give up.”
These thoughts are coming from our subconscious and their purpose is to get us to step away from whatever edge we’re getting close to.
And this is true even when the thing we’re pursuing is good for us. Because new = unknown. And the unknown is terrifying. We would rather stay stuck in destructive patterns because they are at least familiar. And familiar feels safer.
All of this is self-sabotage.
It can also show up in other less obvious ways.
Have you ever had an event that you were dreading and you get sick or have a terrible headache or throw your back out just before?
Or maybe we get into a car crash or find ourselves making what feels like an honest mistake that impacts our ability to go to that event. It’s actually impressive the lengths our subconscious will go to to keep us “safe”.
What do we do if we find ourselves sabotaging our efforts?
The first step is just recognizing that it’s happening.
What most people don’t realize is that everyone experiences this to some degree. The difference between the people who succeed and the ones who don’t is that the successful people choose to push past and ignore those inner voices telling them to stop.
We like to tell ourselves that those people just must not have these same fears that we have. They couldn’t possibly feel like I do, if they did they’d give up too.
But talk to anyone who pursues a big goal. I guarantee you that they ran into all those same inner gremlins. And they likely did fail over and over again. The difference is they have the courage to keep getting back up until they succeed.
Recognize that you are in control of your actions. You may not be able to control that inner dialogue, but you can decide whether or not you listen to it.
Be conscientious of the ways you’re self sabotaging. Don’t judge or shame yourself for it, remember, everyone does it, but instead just be aware. Notice your actions, lack of action, and your thoughts. How are they all trying to prevent you from moving forward toward your goal?
Once you’ve identified your patterns, do some self reflection and ask yourself what you’re most afraid of happening? Any fear that is based in ‘What If’, try and change it to ‘Even if’. Walk through the worst case scenarios and the reality of how you would survive it. This exercise can be powerful in diminishing some of that fear.
Recognize that this self-sabotage isn’t because you hate yourself, but because you’re trying to protect yourself. What actions could you take to show yourself that you are safe?
When you feel stuck or overwhelmed by the amount of fear you’re experiencing, do something soothing. Get out in nature, take a warm bath, tidy up a corner of your room, listen to some uplifting music.
Then choose an action that is small but moves you toward your goal and shows you that you are in control of your actions.
This is exactly what I’ve been doing to reset. And I’m focusing on how amazing I’m going to feel once the big scary thing is done.
It doesn’t matter what you’ve done in the past. All that matters is what step you take next.
