The Healing Power of Self-Awareness: Why Knowing Yourself is Essential
One of the greatest tools you can ever develop is one of self-awareness.
We hide from ourselves, constantly. Even when we’re desperately trying to get to the root of why we feel or act the way we do, often there is a part of us that makes sure we never see what’s really underneath.
We call this our shadow, because it’s visible to everyone else but us.
The shadow refers to the parts of ourselves that we repress or deny, often because they conflict with societal expectations or personal ideals.
We don’t want to see whatever it is that’s buried under the surface, and so we hide from it. But hiding from it doesn’t make it go away. It stays hidden right where we can’t see it, but we continuously feel the effects of it.
As an example, months ago I was talking to a friend who I know struggles with a lot of anxiety, it’s something we’ve talked about a lot over the years. She told me about how hard it was for her to be around a lot of people, how being alone in the house made her really scared, how driving down certain roads at night freaked her out, and how she was always so worried about her kids with every little thing.
I thought it was obvious we were talking about her anxiety, and so I started asking questions about her anxiety… and she stopped me. “Oh I don’t have anxiety, I’m actually doing way better than I was before.”
I didn’t know what to say.
But then I remembered my own similar reaction years ago. I would have looked you right in the eye and said I didn’t have anxiety when I was in the midst of the worst of it. And I would have believed myself when I said it.
I would lie in bed every night trying to position my body in a way where I couldn’t feel or hear my heartbeat, otherwise I would start to obsess over whether or not it was beating too fast or too slow or thinking that it was going to stop at any second. It took me forever to fall asleep because I was terrified I wasn’t going to wake up.
I had constant “what if” scenarios racing through my head of every possible worst case scenario.
I was convinced my body was broken and there was something seriously wrong with me, the doctors just hadn’t found anything yet.
I was triggered constantly, living in a functional freeze state because everything and everyone terrified me.
But I was fine. I didn’t have anxiety. Anxiety to me looked like those people who started hyperventilating because they were afraid. They had meltdowns. They were always talking about everything they were afraid of. They were a ball of anxiety, buzzing around everyone.
That wasn’t me. I was calm under pressure. I was calm in general. I was a Massage Therapist! People came to me to relax, and I was good at my job. I was the calm friend people came to with their problems and when they were stressed out. I wasn’t the anxious friend.
I was completely unaware of what was really going on.
Part of that was just a lack of education of what anxiety actually looked like, but a lot of it was because I didn’t want to see it. Anxiety represented a kind of weakness that I didn’t want to admit to. I believed all of my concerns, they felt valid. If it was just anxiety, then that meant so much of what I was thinking and feeling wasn’t real.
We push away any reality that we don’t want to admit to because we’re judging it, or because we’re afraid of being judged. But in doing so, we keep ourselves stuck in behaviors that are doing us damage.
This is why self-awareness is so incredibly valuable, but also so incredibly difficult.
The first step if you want to see yourself more clearly is to move away from judgement and move toward compassion.
We don’t beat down the shadow and try to get rid of it. In fact, the more we try to do that, the stronger and bigger it tends to get.
Shadow work involves developing compassion toward yourself and recognizing that even the ugly parts are there because you’re trying to protect yourself.
We are wired for self preservation. Our subconscious spends every moment trying to keep us alive and safe. Except it can only do what it was taught, or what it learned out of necessity.
My anxiety was born out of necessity. I was obsessed over every possible bad thing that could happen, because it made me feel more resilient. If I could expect the unexpected, then I couldn’t be caught unawares and I would survive.
Catching myself catastrophizing was frustrating. I hated that I did that. But being frustrated and hating myself didn’t help. It only made it worse.
Instead, I needed to understand WHY I was doing this, and then I needed to create space for some self-compassion. It was only once I did this that my habits and thought patterns started to change, I stopped needing those desperate ‘what if’ thoughts anymore, because I had real safety instead.
Shadow work is not about getting rid of the shadow. It’s about bringing it into the light. It’s about understanding the purpose of what your subconscious is trying to do, and then integrating that back in with compassion and understanding.
So how do we become more self-aware?
Start being curious without judgement.
Remove ‘I would never’ from your language. Lean into your triggers, they are evidence of work left to be done. There is no “bad” when it comes to emotion, it’s just what is. Even when you catch yourself being judgmental of yourself, be curious about it. Ask yourself, “Why does this bother me so much? What do I think it means about me if this is true? What am I afraid of here?”
Journal all the things. Use these prompts to dig even deeper:
Exploring the Shadow:
"What aspects of myself do I feel ashamed of or try to hide from others?"
"When was the last time I felt triggered by someone’s behavior? What might that reveal about me?"
"What beliefs about myself or the world did I develop as a child? How do they impact me today?"
"What traits do I envy or admire in others? How might those be reflections of my hidden potential?"
"What emotions or parts of myself do I label as 'bad' or 'wrong'? Why?”
Building Self-Awareness:
"What patterns or situations keep repeating in my life, and what might they be trying to teach me?”
"What are my biggest fears, and how do they influence my choices or behaviors?”
"When do I feel most disconnected from myself, and what might that disconnection be telling me?”
"What stories do I tell myself about who I am? Are they true, or are they shaped by past experiences?”
"When have I acted in a way that surprised or disappointed me? What drove that behavior?"
Integration and Healing
"What can I do to create a safe space to explore the parts of myself I usually avoid?”
"How can I show compassion toward the parts of me I find hard to accept?”
"What small steps can I take to align my actions with my authentic self?”
"What lessons have my 'negative' traits or experiences taught me?”
"What does wholeness mean to me, and how can I move closer to that vision?"
Don’t be afraid of the answers.
There are no wrong answers. And in fact, discovering the truth doesn’t change what it is, the truth is already there. Discovering the truth of what’s there is what allows you change it.
Consider working with a professional.
A therapist trained in trauma therapy can be invaluable when it comes to this kind of work. I definitely couldn’t have done my work without help.
Self-awareness can be difficult but it’s one of the best skills you can develop. It helps you to create real safety in your life, which is what allows you to find peace.
