Let go of perfectionism and cultivate a growth mindset
I started out this year with very specific goals and a very specific timeline of how those goals were going to play out.
And then life happened. And so many of my goals are still waiting to be completed even though I was hoping to complete them months ago.
In years past, this would have crumbled me. I would have been so disappointed and overwhelmed that I likely would have just given up entirely. And it would have sent me on a downward spiral of shame.
But that hasn’t happened this time. And the reason is because I’ve learned (and am still learning) to let go of perfectionism. If this feels familiar to you, just know you’re not alone, but addressing this one thing can have a massive impact on the stress you feel every single day.
When we are stuck in perfectionist thinking, we block ourselves in. We limit what is possible because we are trying to control all of the wrong things.
Perfectionism is all too common, especially among women. We need to look a certain way, our houses and our children need to look a certain way. We need to do all the right things, say all the right things, and exceed everyone’s expectations.
Because then we will be loved. And if we are loved, then we are safe.
So much of our behavior and thinking hinges on this: we must make ourselves invaluable to the group in order to survive. If I am loved, then I’m okay. If I am capable, then I’m okay. If I can make everyone around me happy, then I will survive.
We most often learn these behaviors as children. Either from mimicking what we see our caregivers doing, or in trying to earn their approval. Either way it creates these deep seated stories that require us to be perfect in order to be okay, in order to survive.
But the problem with that is that none of us are perfect. We cannot always control the outcomes. We cannot control other people. And we often cannot control our circumstances. And as hard as we try, we fail all the time.
But failure is not just a part of life; it’s an important teacher.
In the book Mindset by Carol Dweck, she described two kinds of mindsets: A Growth Mindset, and a Fixed Mindset.
A Fixed Mindset is when you believe that you are just born with all the gifts and talents you will ever have. You’re either good at something or you’re not. This mindset might come out in big ways or in small ways:
“I just have a brown thumb.”
“I’m not a good cook.”
“I could never run a company.”
“I’m just not a fast learner.”
“I’m not good at ______.”
Having a fixed mindset limits what you’re capable of. While it’s true that some people have natural talents that make certain skills easier, that doesn’t mean that we can’t each improve or even master any skill we seek to attain.
A Growth Mindset, on the other hand, is when you recognize that failure is the path to learning, and that you have the ability to learn anything you set your mind to.
“I haven’t learned how to do ______ yet.” It’s not that I’m incapable, it’s just that I haven’t learned it YET.
Perfectionism keeps us in a fixed mindset. It makes us desperately afraid of failure. But every single person who has ever succeeded in any kind of venture has failed over and over again. It is a necessary part of the process.
If you can learn to let go of that perfectionist thinking, it makes your every day so much lighter.
It’s good to strive for goals. It’s good to have standards for how you take care of your body, for the cleanliness of your house, for the behavior of your children, or for your own ability to accomplish what you set out to do.
But we have to allow for imperfection. Sometimes we’re exhausted and we don’t make it to the gym. Sometimes we choose to eat pizza even though it’s not the healthiest choice. Sometimes our kid shows up to an event and they didn’t notice their dress shirt was way overdue for a washing and there was an obvious dirt and sweat ring around the collar (yes, this just happened).
We cannot always control the outcomes, but we can control how we think and what we react to.
Letting go of perfectionism does not equal laziness. Since I’ve worked hard in this area I’ve been able to accomplish more goals for myself than I ever had before. My standards are higher than ever before, but I’m relaxed about it. It’s not stressful, I’m no longer anxious when things don’t go as planned.
It’s so incredibly liberating!
So take an honest look at your reactions and behaviors. Look at the things you’re stressed about each day. What about each thing is stressful? What will happen if things don’t go the way you think they’re supposed to? What do you think it means about you if you fail? What stories are you telling yourself around failure?
Another fantastic book that was transformative for me in this area is The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. So much of this comes down to vulnerability and shame.
So much of your daily stress and anxiety is wrapped up in the stories you’re telling yourself about the way your life is “supposed” to go. Rewriting those stories is key to creating a more peaceful and abundant life.
