Deal with stress the right way
Diving face-first into dessert is a good way to deal with stress, right?
Not really. Just because it’s a coping mechanism people use doesn’t mean it’s a good one.
Do you know what your coping mechanisms are? We all have them. These are activities or habits we turn to in order to soothe our nervous system when we’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed.
We wouldn’t survive without some kind of coping mechanism, but it’s important to be aware of what we’re turning to because it can be these habits that do more harm than good.
We first learn to soothe ourselves as children. Nursing mothers have experienced an infant that wants to nurse not because it’s hungry, but because they need comfort. Older children might suck their thumb, carry a blanket, have a favorite stuffed animal, or some other item that offers them comfort when they touch it or hold it.
This is them trying to soothe their nervous system.
We are the same as adults. Maybe we don’t suck our thumb anymore, but we might bite our nails. Maybe we don’t carry around a baby blanket, but we are attached to our phones. Maybe we don’t need our favorite stuffy with us, but we can’t function without texting that certain friend.
All of us turn to multiple different things in order to relieve our stress, but it’s a good idea to occasionally look at the things we’re turning toward to see if it’s actually beneficial to us.
For me, food has always been a comfort. I rarely overeat, and I rarely eat foods that are “bad” for me, but when I’ve had a hard day, I NEED chocolate, or on a really bad day, any sugary food will do. And maybe it’s only a couple pieces, but it feels like a need in those moments.
And that’s not necessarily bad. There’s nothing wrong with eating chocolate or sugar occasionally. But when I start to feel like I’m going to fall apart unless I can eat a cookie, that tells me something is out of balance.
Some coping mechanisms are maladaptive and we know are unhealthy are:
Busyness to avoid emotions
Toxic Positivity - I talked about that on the blog HERE.
Catastrophizing
Overthinking/Overanalyzing
Substance Abuse
Over-drinking
Impulsive Spending
Overeating
Self-harm
Risk-taking behaviors
Procrastination
Excessively depending on others
Take a moment and think about what you do when you feel stressed. Do you turn to alcohol or food? Do you turn the world off and escape into a book or show or social media?
Those things are not necessarily wrong or bad, but when it’s the only way you know how to cope, they can easily become unbalanced.
So what should we do if we realize we need to make some changes?
First: Practice compassion. Be gentle with yourself. Shame will only throw you into a feedback loop of feeling bad about yourself which will cause you to seek out those behaviors even more, which will again feed the shame. So many people never change because they stay stuck in that endless loop.
In order to grow, we have to be willing to let ourselves be beginners in this. We will make mistakes, but we must practice patience and understanding, knowing that we’re learning which can take time.
Second: Recognize what is and isn’t working. Be honest with yourself in this. What behaviors are you turning to consistently. Which ones have positive effects and which ones have negative effects. Pay attention not only to how your behaviors affect you, but also how they affect those around you.
Warning: This can be incredibly uncomfortable. Your nervous system DOES NOT want to give up what soothes it. Even if that thing is doing you harm in the long run. When I first figured out that I was turning to sugar to soothe and had the thought that maybe I should cut sugar out for a while, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I didn’t want to live anymore. And yes, it felt that dramatic. Just the idea of cutting it out brought on intense anxiety. But it was that exact reaction that made me realize there was an unhealthy attachment that I needed to address.
Third: Focus on developing coping strategies that are beneficial. Even if you have coping strategies that you know are harmful, just remember their purpose: to help you to soothe. And as I said in the beginning, we need coping strategies to survive. So don’t expect it to work to take away what you’ve been using before you’ve implemented something else.
Make a list of beneficial things that help you to feel calm when you’re stressed. Here are some things that I turn to:
Going for a walk
Talking to a friend
Prayer
Breath work
Taking a bath
Gardening
Tidying a space
Listening to music
Journaling
Make these easy to access and maybe even put reminders around your home. Leave yourself notes to remind yourself to stop and breathe. Leave your walking shoes by the front door so it’s easy to put them on and go. Keep your journal on your table so you can grab it whenever you’re feeling uneasy.
Whatever your favorite soothing habit is, make it accessible. And know that in the beginning, you’re not going to want to do it, you will likely even forget. So take whatever action is needed to make it happen.
And start small. Know you’re not going to change overnight. Continue showing yourself compassion and understanding.
We need coping mechanisms in order to survive. But we want to be intentional with what these are if we want to live a healthy and productive life.
