Break the shame cycle
I was talking to a friend this morning about shame and the effects of it on our ability to heal and make real changes in our lives. It’s something that isn’t talked about enough, so let’s dig into it.
Is this you?: You are tired of feeling tired and worn down. You know what you should be doing to change but you struggle to stick to anything. Every time you have a bad day, you’re filled with shame and thoughts of, “What’s wrong with me?” “I can’t do anything right.” “I’m never going to be able to change.” “I might as well give up.” “I’m just not ______ enough.”
Has you ever experienced this? Keep reading.
First, let’s understand what we mean when we’re talking about shame.
Shame is not a bad emotion. There are no bad emotions. There are hard emotions, but even something like shame has a purpose. When we do something that was wrong or hurtful, shame is the proper response. The problem that we run into is when we have improper shame. This is when we have shame to a level or for reasons that are actually inappropriate.
An example of proper shame would be saying something hurtful about someone and then it getting back to them. That would be embarrassing but it would also be shameful. But that’s proper shame. What you did was wrong and hurtful, and that shame teaches you to not do it again. It’s the emotional equivalent of touching something hot. You learn very quickly that you don’t want to ever feel that way again.
But an example of improper shame is when we lose touch of all the facts. It’s when we lose perspective of our actual capabilities. It’s when we try to live perfectly and then discover we are far from perfect.
Here is the shame spiral I was stuck in for decades:
I knew I needed to make changes in my life to take better care of myself both mentally and physically. But I couldn’t seem to make any new habit stick. But so much of that was because I was trying to change every single thing over night and that just doesn’t work.
But I needed to get up earlier, make my bed, workout, drink more water, eat nutritiously, tidy my house daily, read my Bible, set boundaries with my phone, meal prep, organize my house, work in the yard, nurture my relationships, take care of my family, journal, ground, go for a walk, keep my car clean … the list was endless. And I still need to improve in a few of those areas, but my problem was thinking I should be able to change all of those things all at once.
And I would try. And a lot of the time I would succeed! At least at first, for maybe a week or two. But inevitably, I’d have a bad day, or life would get in the way, or I’d oversleep, or for some reason I would drop the ball.
And then the shame would set in. And with the shame came all the thoughts.
“Of course you were going to fail, who do you think you are?!” “You’re just not that person you think you are.” “You’re never going to change, this is just who you are, a loser.”
These thoughts would be followed by intense overwhelm and then a complete shutdown. I’d then spend the next week or two binge watching a show on Netflix and giving in to every bad habit.
Until... I finally got fed up enough and would work myself up and try it all over again. But it was only starting that same cycle all over again.
This went on for DECADES.
But everything finally changed when I did two things:
I stopped expecting an overnight change and started with just ONE small thing; I focused on just making my bed everyday. Even though my list of needed changes was a mile long, I only let myself focus on that one small thing and then slowly added to it.
I gave myself permission to be imperfect, recognizing that I wasn’t going to change everything overnight. In doing this, I started to address my shame and understood that it was coming from a part of me that was trying to protect me.
This wasn’t easy work. Everything in me screamed “This isn’t enough” when I was only working on making my bed every day. But I knew that what I had been doing for so long wasn’t working, so I needed to try something different.
It also wasn’t easy working through the shame. But here’s what helped: recognizing that I wasn’t experiencing this emotion because I was broken, but it was in fact my subconscious trying to protect me.
Our core driving force that manages everything we do and think is: staying safe. And one of the main ways our subconscious keeps us safe is by preventing change. Especially if you’ve lived through some trauma, change is terrifying. We will stick with what we know even if it’s doing us harm, because what if the change is even worse?! What we know feels safe. And the unknown feels like stepping off a cliff into the unknown.
So if you’re someone struggling with this shame cycle, spend some time to understand where this is all stemming from. Acknowledge that your subconscious is trying to protect you, it’s not trying to hurt you.
The book that made a massive different for me in this is The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. She specializes in teaching on shame and vulnerability and her insight is invaluable.
I also recommend seeking out the help of a trauma informed counselor. When we have deep seated triggers and emotions, it can be incredibly helpful to work through these things with a trained professional.
The other thing I want to encourage you to do is to work on creating that sense of safety within yourself. Before we can do the scary things and make changes, we have to have a firm leg to stand on. And the best way to start creating safety within yourself is by actually taking care of yourself.
And the best and easiest places to start is just by listening to your every day body signals.
Eat when you’re hungry. Go to the bathroom when you need to go to the bathroom. Drink water when you’re thirsty. Go to sleep when you’re tired. Whatever body signal you’re picking up on, listen to it! This helps your subconscious to understand that you’re being taken care of.
Remember, your subconscious does not reason and it does not “think”. It doesn’t understand that you just need to finish this email and then you’ll get up and go to the bathroom .. it can only react to the fact that you’re ignoring your body signals which must mean you’re not in a safe situation, which means it needs to keep you in your fight/flight/freeze state.
To break the cycle you’re in, you must do something different. But that different thing does not mean you need to overhaul your life. It usually only means a 1% shift in your trajectory.
And if you need help with all of this, this is exactly what my course is going to be about! It’s been taking me a little longer than I hoped because of life getting in the way, but I’m hoping to have it live by the end of the month!
If you want to be the first to be notified once it launches, click below to be added to my waitlist!
